im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
