Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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