This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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