Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Randomize
