i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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