Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When are your genitals available?
I pour the whiskey from now on
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize