mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
