i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
