i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
