I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize