Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
