I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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