I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
