if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
