Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you didnt know i had herpes?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
