I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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