I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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