did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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