I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
