My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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