i already hear my dad disowning me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
