pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
