Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We left an ass print on the piano.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
