having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
