omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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