I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
