She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
