My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
50% drunk capacity currently
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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