The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
