im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
