"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
