College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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