i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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