one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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