It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm passing your future prison.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
