I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Randomize
