he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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