I'm sorry my penis didn't work
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
