Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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