im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
