Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Acid is not a monday night drug
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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