One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
