he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
