Got a toothbrush?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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