OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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