He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
