I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
