Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
