I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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