Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
