i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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