she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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