U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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