walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
