My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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