Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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