I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize