I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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