Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
