Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
