His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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